Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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