fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
