WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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