Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
