My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
