I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
