How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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