I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
