I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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