i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Randomize
