I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
