I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
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He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
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Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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