I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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