woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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