i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
