so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
