Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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