Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
