I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
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Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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