I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
