I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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