God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
COCAINE IS GR8
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
