What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
