I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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