I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
