When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
