i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize
