On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
