Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
NoShamevember. You game?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
