carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
