Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
