The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Randomize
