slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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