I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Acid is not a monday night drug
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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