so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
