I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
