You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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