A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
where are my eyebrows?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
