Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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