Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
i think i scared a bird with my dick
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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