DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
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We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
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I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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