i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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