The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
