Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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