Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm getting married
To pizza
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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