She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
