He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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