I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
