Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
