when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
