Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
