Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
