So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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