my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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