If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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