Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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