Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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