trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Every concussion has its silver lining
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
