12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
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She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
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She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
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