oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Randomize
