Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
